


All That Is Broken

by LyriumGhost



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Addiction, F/M, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-03-01 14:32:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2776562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyriumGhost/pseuds/LyriumGhost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tatia Hawke succumbs to her depression over the loss of her family and picks up a deadly habit</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That Is Broken

Cassandra had one of her guards smack the dwarf hard. Knocking him over. They picked him up, brushed him off and seated him back in front of the seeker.  
“I went to Nevarra, She wasn’t there.” She bit. “Tell me where she is.”  
”You’ll never find her.” He said with a strange somber that piqued her interest. It wasn’t a threat or a sentence to reassure himself. It was a truth, a promise even.  
“I will when you tell me where she is.” He huffed shaking his head and dabbing at the blood that came from his lip.  
“What are you hoping to get from me? You think I’ll tell you where she is….and than what? You’ll just go there and drag her along to whatever you want her to do?”  
”Yes.” She said sharply. “Your book paints a delightful picture of her riding off into the sunset with Brother Korrin.”  
“Brother Korrin?” he asked with a mixture of confusion and amusement.  
“Who else would it be?” She asked. She had read the book six times and though her lover is never named past being confirmed a he, the evidence always lead her to believe it was the chantry brother. The dwarf gave a half chuckle and shrugged.  
“To each their own.” He said under his breath.  
“Curiously I could find no brother Korrin either.” She said adjusting her gauntlets.  
”Its called an Alias, Seeker. I wasn’t about to use real names.” He said with a roll of his eyes.  
”So than what was the Champions real name?” She asked curtly folding her arms across her chest.  
”No” He said with the mournful tone returning to his voice “her…..she was really Hawke.”  
“And the rest?” He gave a deep sigh.  
“Brother Korrin’s real name is Sebastian Vale.-”  
”The Prince of Starkhaven?!” The seeker exclaimed. She understood the use for the alias now.  
“Yes.” he drawled  
”So ….she’s in Starkhaven?” She said with certainty  
”What? No why would she be?” He shook his head wondering how she got to that conclusion.  
”THAN WHERE IS SHE?!?” she shouted her patients wearing thin. He paused a moment looking hard into his palms and sighed:  
“I don’t know.”  
“If she didn’t run off with Prince Vale, than tell me what really happened” She demanded  
“I’d rather not.” He said softly with a sadness in his voice. She gave him a stern look and he acquiesced.

_______________________________________________________  
  
“Where’s your necklace?” Verric observed over his cards, taking a sip of his ale.  
”I gave it to _him”_ Hawke said putting a card in her dispose pile and picking up another. Aveline gave a sound of disapproval, which made Verric laugh. Hawke played a pair of songs inverted, the group huffed in unison and a collective shuffle was heard.  
“What? Could _he_ just not live a moment longer without a token of your affection to flaunt around?” Isabella teased playing three serpents. Hawke smirked an gave a short snort.  
“No i just felt like it.” She shrugged.

____  
“Yes, yes. I know. Hawke gave Sebastian her silver necklace with engraved silver pendent.” Cassandra huffed interrupting him. She read that part several times. It was one of her favorites, though she wasn’t about to admit that. She revisited that seen a moment.  
 _“I love you.” He whispered in her ear._  
 _“I love you too.” Hawke replied. “I want to give you something.” She lifted the necklace she had ever since she was a girl, from her neck and slid it over his._  
 _“Are you sure?” He asked._  
 _”Yes. I want you to have a part of me with you. Always. Maybe you’ll even stop worrying.” He gave a soft chuckle and ghosted a gentle kiss over her lips._  
 _“I doubt that.”_  
There was a bit of smut proceeding and following that blip she didn’t care to get into at the moment.  
“What does this have to do with where she went.”  
”That was the night her mother was murdered.” He said sharply. Clearly she had offended.  
“I ….apologize. I meant no disrespect.” She said.

____  
The crowed grew in the hanged man and the noise level elevated. The group, now done with their game sat enjoying their drinks and light conversation. A group of rowdy Templar recruits began to cause a stir with a few of the other patrons.  
“Hawke?” Aveline asked hoping she would agree to be her back up.  
“I am _not_ getting involved. Let them kill each other.” Hawke replied flicking her black hair over her golden skinned shoulder. The conflict rising with shouts and threats of violence.  
“Hhhaaawke.” Aveline said on edge wanting to intervene, but not without a second.  
“No.” She grumbled into her mug.  
“What going on here?” A tenor voice boomed loudly and the recruits settled snapping to attention.  
”Knight-Captain.” The three said and saluted.  
“You make a mockery of the Order!” He snapped. “Get back to the barracks.” He ordered and off they went tail twixt legs. He apologized to the injured party on their behalf and made his way through the crowed looking about for someone. He spotted Hawke, back to him with the Guard-Captain on her right, at the table in the back corner near the stairs. She sat up straight tipping her ale back as she approached.  
“Hawke.” he said, hazel eyes burning a hole into the black abyss of hair that was the back of her head. She stiffened tipping the mug down slightly but not moving his from her lips and turn her head. Her dark grey eyes found his and narrowed. She dropped the mug from her mouth and slouched slightly.  
“What do you, want?” She asked teasingly a smile twitching at the corner of her mouth. She love to push the Knight-Captains buttons. “I’m off hours, you’ll have to settle for Isabella if you’re looking for quick tumble.” her words a playful poke.  
“Maker’s breath.” He sighed turning ever the slightest shade of pink hardly noticeable in the dim lighting, shaking his head to ride himself of the embarrassment.  
“HAWKE!” Aveline snapped at her for the disrespect.  
“Oh alright. If it means that much to Aveline I’ll make an exception.” She said tossing him a quick wink. He rolled his eyes this time. Aveline gave a disgusted sigh and butted out.  
“If you’re quite done, Serah, I have a job for you.” he said and instantly regretted his choice of words turning a deep red and snapping his eyes shut as her voice piped up.  
“I know isn’t that what we’re discussing.”  
”So Hawke, how does _he_ like your inability to stop flirting with men you find attractive.” Verric asked teasingly. To everyone’s shock Hawke snapped her mouth shut and turned a deep shade of crimson, turning around in her seat to face Verric unable to respond.  
“You mean to tell me someone puts up with her?” Cullen asked eliciting a hearty laugh from the group Hawke’s embarrassment darkening.  
“Shockingly yes, Curly.” the dwarf answered raising his mug for a drink. “Though she wont say who. My money’s on him being either a mutilated monster or too damn embarrassed.”  
”My money’s on embarrassed.” Cullen said in a voice louder than he had meant and Hawke turned dagger eyes on him. He swallowed hard and attempted to change the subject.  
“Are you interested in the work or not?” He asked.  
“Why not.” She said in small voice.

______________________

  
_Is he embarrassed of me?_ Hawke now wondered contemplating the Knight-Captains words, on her way home that night. The words had hurt. She knew she embarrassed her friends but that was fun for her. Thinking that _he_ could ever be embarrassed of her and not for her painted a different picture for her.  
“Well where is she?” She heard the voice of the second person she didn’t care for much in her parlor.  
“Perhaps she’s visiting her suitor.” Bohdan replied.

_____________________  
 _First father, then Carver, Bethany and now mother_. Hawke sobbed harshly in a dark alleyway outside of the factory. She sent the others ahead without her, she couldn’t break in front of them. When she was sure they were out of ear shot she let go, harsh gasps, and violent tears taking hold of her body. She needed a to hold onto the wall for stability, planting both hands firmly against the wall, arms outstretched to give her a sense of breathing room.  
She was done. She had it with this world, the maker damn them. _Damn the Maker! And Andraste too for all I care! Fuck every last one of them in this damn city, the mages, the templars, the people could all rot for all I care._  
She stood straight for a moment letting her head fall back as she took a deep breath trying to calm herself to no avail and the sobs returned and the anger and pain. She let it all out she had held onto the grief of Carver and Bethany pushing it down and away for so long that this pain was allotted no more room and it all sprang forth. She let out a loud harsh cry and damned be who ever sought to find her as the owner of it. She turned resting against the wall and slid down unable to stand anymore. She wanted to run to _him_ , to be with _him_. To let him hold her and comfort her, like she had after Bethany. _I can’t let him see me like this?!_ She reasoned and decided to sit right where she was. She heard the sound of soft footfalls headed her way an hopped it would be one of her many enemies come to finish her off. She let curiosity win out and opened her eyes slightly and lazily turned her head to see who it was.  
Samson ‘the-shamed-templar’ approached. Of all the people, he surely was the last she would imagine coming by. She anticipated Danarius to rise from the dead and happen by before Samson. Once she hated him for what she had seen him become. Selling anything thing for his habit. But now she didn’t care. A blood mage could preform a sacrifice in front of her and she probably wouldn’t be stirred to care at this point.  
He didn’t speak just gave her a knowing look and sat silently next to her. She was confused by his new found kindness. They didn’t try to speak or interact at all. He simply sat providing silent support. It was strange to her that out of everyone he was able to know and give her what she needed better than anyone she knew. She studied his features a moment. He looked as though he had been attractive once upon a time. Dark brown hair and eyes, a good build. His vices had gotten the better of him. He was sickly pale, face hollowed out, hair a greasy mess, leaner than he ought to be for his size. A steady 20lbs heavier and all he’d need was a bath and some sun. She turned her face forward looking at nothing in particular.  
“I have nothing left.” She said barely a whisper into the night. If he said anything or not it didn’t matter. He remained silent.  
“I gave this city all of me and for what?” She mumbled. “Most of them still call me a Fereldan Dog or regard me as a disease. But it made mother happy to have status back. The large house, the wealth, the known by all, the proverbial dream as it were.. Well the dream could go fuck itself. Id rather be in that hovel in Loathering with my family.” She closed her eyes as her chest began to heave harshly and more tears streamed down her face. “I don’t want to feel anything anymore.” She cried. Samson turned his eyes over to her for the first time studying her a moment.  
”You feel worthless… Empty….alone…pain…inexplicable pain. That just resonates in your chest.” He somehow manage to accurately describe her to a t. She nodded. He shuffled around in his pocket and pulled out a small vial of reddish-brown liquid.  
“Open your mouth.” He said and she shot I’m and untrustworthy look snapping her eyes open and looking him over for any hint of a sexual gesture. He figured out her looks and rolled his eyes  
“Relax you’re not my type.” He held up the small bottle. “This will help. It …..curbs the pain till i can get lyrium.” He said. She started to consider and than realized she didn’t care and opened her mouth.  
“Stick your tongue out.” She complied. He twisted the bottle open and secured a small amount on the small glass wand that was attached to the bottle top. A single drop hit her tongue and she jerked her head with displeasure.  
“That’s disgustingly bitter.” She grumbled  
“Do you want to feel better?” He snipped. She rolled her tongue over the roof of her mouth and shook it off than stuck her tongue out again. She could only suffer four more drops and she was done.  
“Enough.” She choked.  
“Five should be good enough for you anyway.” he said resealing the bottle and putting it back in his pocket. “You might want to head home or at least somewhere you can….get comfortable” He said standing  
“In a minute.” She said. With that he left silently down the alleyway as he came. After a few minutes Hawke began to feel relief, like a comforting quiet, or a warm blanket on a cold night. She leaned her head back against the building and let the feeling spread.

________________________________

  
“If i was being dramatic I’d say something like ‘ One taste of the stuff was all it took for Hawke to get hooked.’ But unfortunately seeker that is not the case. She often said she’d eat nug shit and uncooked deep mushrooms instead of dealing with the taste of that stuff. What had truly hooked her was the numbness she got form it. It quickly consumed her life. At first she would take a five or six drops a week. Than that became twice a week. Than three times. And so on until she was downing bottles and disappearing for days instead of a few hours. We stopped being able to find her for weeks at a time after that. She saw _him_ once after it all started. She told me he didn’t approve, obviously, but i never got a chance to talk to him about it. She vanished for a solid month on us. When Sebastian and i found her…….(Heavy sigh) It was not good”  
_____  
Sebastian and Verric walked their way down the narrow hallway peaking into rooms as the past them to find her. Verric was lucky he had gotten a tip about this place. Deep down in the Darktown underbelly, relatively well known for its proclivities and supplies. It was small apparently, as Verric’s contact had informed him, though it didn’t seem small now. They found her strung out in the eighth room down the hall looking like a sickly mess. Missing a good ten to fifteen pounds, skin pale form lack of sunlight. Sebastian died a little inside seeing her like this.  
“Aw shit.” Verric sighed. She was the only one in that room. To spare Sebastian, he stepped forward and check her pulse. Her skin was dry but warm, there was life in her yet. He gave him a reassuring nod and the Stark was all too happy to collect her into his arms.  
“We have to get her out of here but I don’t think the estate is the best place.”  
“I’ll take her.” Sebastian said too quickly. “The Chantry has taken worse” He said hurrying out of the den.  
_____  
The chantry had been closed off till the commotion with in could be contained. Cullen and a few other Templars heard the loud, enraged shouts from outside the doors. The Knight-Captain gave signal to prepare for anything drawing his sward and they entered. The sisters, brothers and lesser mothers were a sea of anxiety as they corralled themselves in the main hall making it difficult to pass. A loud cry that sounded from a women, echoed from the upper level. A struggled was happening. The Templars made their way through the crowed to the staircase.  
Cullen reached the upper level turning left at the staircase to the mens dormitories, where the commotion was coming from. Grand Cleric Elthina’s voice was a lost sound in the sea of chaos as she barked at a brother with auburn hair, who was attempting to restrain the screaming woman. Cullen knew this man. Brother Sebastian, one of Hawke’s companions. He held the black haired woman in his arms a peculiar way for one trying to restrain. There was something about it more of an embrace, a loving affection, almost protecting even. The back of his hands in her palms, fingers laced in hers, their arms across her body, holding her securely to his chest. The woman was incomparably small to his larger broad frame. Her hair a mangled mess from struggling, obscuring her face. Skin pale, almost grey like death, and clammy from appearance.  
“Tatia, sshhh, calm yourself.” His thick brogue hummed softly, comfortingly near her ear. The woman let out a long wail.  
“Let me go” she sobbed falling limp in his arms. She let her head fall back against the bothers chest her hair falling away from her face. Cullen knew her, or he thought he did. She looked like Hawke. But that couldn’t be, Hawke was of golden tan skin and deep somber grey eyes. The face looking back was hallowed, colorless and the eyes a softer grey, lacking the intensity Hawke possessed. Hawke had never been a thinly small women, lean muscles had cased her body. He hadn’t seen her in a month , how could her state be so far gone so quickly.  
“What’s going on here?” Cullen demanded putting his sword away. Elthina turned to the Knight-Captain relieved with the hope he could help.  
“Get her out of here.” Elthina commanded.  
“Are you just going to throw her on the street in her state, your reverence?” Sebastian demanded.  
“This is a place of worship and peace that she is clearly disturbing, Sebastian.” The Gran Cleric returned.  
“She isn’t well.” He justified. Cullen could see the desperation for her in blue eyes, the knight-captain’s heart clenched for the women before him. She had been one of the strongest, most reliable people he knew.  
“What’s wrong with her?” Cullen asked. She acted like a lyrium addict who was deprived of their rations. As Sebastian opened his mouth to explain Hawke thrashed unexpectedly when his grip relaxed and he lost his hold over her. She fell near lifelessly to the floor. She didn’t make an attempt to run or leave she just lie there silently, tears streaming down her face which twisted with pain. Sebastian let out a desperate huff but left her lying at his feet right hand going to his hip left hand rubbing his temple. Clearly he was attempting to find the words.  
“She’s an addict.” The Grand Cleric announced. Cullen watched the flash of hurt that crossed Sebastian’s face. Clearly the truth but not the way he would have said it.  
“An addict? To what? Lyrium doesn’t work this quickly.” Cullen said staring at Kirkwalls great Champion who look as though it wouldn’t be long till she was at the makers side. He could only look away.  
“Not lyrium.” Sebastian in a weak voice. “Laudanum.” He breathed.  
“Half as common and twice as potent.” A rough voice said from behind the Templars coming up to them. The blond dwarf looked heavyhearted as he made his way toward Hawke, a crumpled mess shaking from the lack of feeding her habit, on the floor. Accompanying him was Hawke’s infamous apostate ‘friend’, Anders. His grey warden status the only thing keeping him from the Gallows.  
“You found her?” Anders asked.  
“ I found her.” The dwarf said sullenly kneeling by Hawke and running his finger through her hair gently. “Choir-boy said he take care of her.”

”I’m trying.” Sebastian’s voice quivered.  
“All of you out! And take her with you” Elthina demanded. The Templars all jumped with quick response as Anders lowered himself by Hawke’s head and cast a minor heal spell. It was literally the only thing he was capable of to help her. Her shivering stopped and the slightest amount of color came to her skin. She seemed as though she were sleeping peacefully. Relief washed over the brother and he scooped her up in his arms, her head resting against his chest.  
“Lets go” He said quietly, walking past the templars, head held high, but not in pride, but for a lack of ability to do any less.  
“Where are you going?” Elthina demanded and Cullen had to stifle a scoff. _Had she not just demanded everyone out. Clearly she didn’t look upon Sebastian and see a man who wouldn’t leave the woman he clearly loves, to her vices._  
“I go where she goes.” Was all he said confirming what Cullen had thought.  
“Don’t make me go back” She whimpered  
“I’m not going to make you do anything.” Sebastian said softly to her. Her eyes opened barely and she looked at Cullen as they passed . The next words she spoke made his blood run cold.  
“I don’t want to remember anymore.” She breath, and the group walked on heading for the main hall. How many times after the Ferelden Circle had he not said the same thing. He pitied her. The lyrium helped him, to suppress if not flat out forget the horrible things that happened there.  
As the templars exited the chantry Cullen notice The dwarf straggled behind. He sent the others back to the Gallows and approached  
“Verric?” He asked.  
”Did you need something knight-captain?” Verric asked. He watched as Cullen struggled with something. Opening his mouth and closing it several times.  
“……what has happened to make her do this to herself?”he finally said in a soft voice Verric scoffed,  
“What hasn’t happened? Between her brother dying in the Blight, her sister getting killed in the deep roads and her mother murdered by psycho path, is it really a wonder?” He bit turning in anger and leaving.That must have been the reason she disappeared. He had only heard of her mother’s death happening through the grape vine. He had plenty of work for her but when she didn’t come around he either did it himself or let one of he companions take it.

______________

  
“It wasn’t long after the first time we found her that we lost her again.” Verric sighed heavy rubbing his tired eyes with one hand. “After about two weeks with Choi—.er- Sebastian she fled again. It took me far too long to track her down this time, and when i did i knew the place better than i should have. It was harder to find usually a place for the rich addicts to go when they relapsed. I couldn’t bare to bring Sebastian again. It would have killed him, but i needed someone to carry her out so I convince Curly- ugh Cullen, to help me out.”

_________  
Cullen and Verric turned heads as they walked through the dark hallways. Other addicts peaking curious looks from their alcoves and behind drapes put up for privacy. They reached the last one at the end. The group was thoroughly strung out, hardly coherent of their surroundings. Small rust stained vials littered the area. Her features were muted by the dim lighting but noticeable. She lay on a large pillow on the floor in the center behind the low table. Her empty eyes looking at them through hooded lids.  
“Tatia.” Cullen called softy. No reply. Her dull eyes lay on him. “Tatia.” he called again with once again no response or even movement. He crawled over the others, pushing them aside easy enough with little effort, to reach her. He knelt to her side.  
“Tatia.” he said again and gave a gentle shake. A gasp escaped him when he felt her icy cold skin.  
“No.” he breathed Verric climbed over the table to get to her side. He turned her face to look at him bringing it into the light. Her eyes were clear. She gave up the ghost sometime ago.  
“No, no, no, no,no, no, no Hawke. Come on, NO.” Verric dissolved taking her lifeless body into his arms hugging her tightly. “No…don’t leave me alone..” The dwarf pleaded softly into matted hair. Cullen stood retreated into the hall again his back to Verric unable to face them.  
__  
“That cannot be true!” Cassandra gasped.  
“But it is seeker.”  
”But you wrote that she ran off into the sunset with the prince.”  
”I tried to give my friend one happy ending with the person she loved.”  
“But we need her……”  
“They needed her too much.”  
”It was her job to protect the peo—-”  
“IF PEOPLE HAD DONE THIER JOBS NONE OF THIS SHIT WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPEND!” He shouted. “If Loghain had done his job Carver wouldn’t have died in the blight, If i had done my job Bethany wouldn’t have died in the Deep Roads. IF Aveline had done her job Leandra wouldn’t have been murdered.” He lost steam after saying the Guard-Captains name. “I didn’t mean that…. Aveline did all she could..” He sighed. His heartbreak for his friend becoming palpable. “If none of them had died……….(sigh) Hawke wouldn’t have killed herself.” A few tears escaped his eyes and he quickly wiped them away.  
“If she had lived….maybe she would have been able to stop what happened.”

”No one could have stopped Anders seeker. ”  
________________________________________________________________________________  
“This has been enlightening Verric.” Cassandra said stepping out into the rain. “Now if you will excuse me i need to go find Knight-Commander Cullen” Verric held a hand out letting the rain drip into it. A small knowing half smile on his lips.  
”He’s in the docks.” He said lightly  
“How do you know?” She inquired halfway down the walk up, turning to look at him.  
”I just do.” He sighed retreating into the estate.

_______________________________________

  
Cassandra made her way down to the docks.  
“Of course.” She grumbled at the size of the place. “He didn’t say where in the docks.” She huffed and decided to pay a visit to the statue of the Champion. A memorial she now realize . As she approached she saw a figure sitting at the feet resting against the monument. She grew angry for the misuse but that anger subsided as she found it was the Knight-Commander. He was in plain close right leg bent on the base, left hanging off the edge, he half laid in hunched manner against the base of the legs his head dropped back feeling the rain on his face.  
“Knight-Commander?”She asked, he opened his eyes and looked down at her not moving his head.  
“Seeker.” His tenor voice replied. He was twisting something in his fingers it hung around his neck. “I was looking for you.”  
”What do you need of me?” He asked turning his head to get a better view of her.  
“The Templars here respect you, they see you as their leader still.”  
”Some of them, i suppose do. For what good it does.”  
” It does more than you know. The Divine has called a conclave at the Temple of Sacred Ashes. Perhaps if you could bring those who are loyal to you to show support.” She stopped and looked off contemplating something.  
“Of course.” He said.  
“We may have need of you for other reasons. Your ability to lead and keep loyalty. Would you consider being the commander of an army? If it came down to it.”  
”What kind of army?”  
”The kind to help restore peace in a maddened world.” he contemplated this a moment and agreed.  
”If it will restore order to the chaos yes.”  
He hopped down from the monuments base, she took the liberty of casting a glance at what he had been pawing at. She was too stunned to move and her eyes watched over him with a new awe as he passed her by, Verric’s tale still fresh in her mind. _She gave her necklace to the one she loved_. The plain silver pendant hung around his neck now.  
“You..?” She said more of a soft question.  
“Me what?” He asked turning to look over at her.  
“Nuh-nothing.” She said and they continued back. _I lost a friend. Some of us lost more._ Verric’s words rolled in her head.

_______________________________________________________________

  
_“Do I embarrass you?” Hawke asked shyly, nestled under his arm fidgeting with silver pendent that rested on his chest._  
 _“Never. Why do you ask such a thing?”_  
 _“Because of what you said at the Hanged Man. To Verric”_  
”That’s not what i meant. (Sigh) Maker, I’m sorry that is how you took it. I realized it after I said it and you looked at me the way you did. I wanted to apologize right there but that would be telling and I know how much you like me to be your dirty little secret.” He said with a lopsided grin kissing the top of her head.  
 _“Does it bother you? That I’m not more open about us?”_  
”Honestly, no. I don’t like everyone knowing my business.” She regarded him a moment than gave a loving kiss and tossed the sheets aside, raising from the bed and sifting through her belongings. She procured the small red bottle and drained it contents than began dressing. Cullen furrowed his brows watching her.  
 _“I don’t like it when you do that. Could you at least try not to do it in front of me?” He had asked, and asked her and become close to begging her to stop when he notice her loss of weight and change in skin color. The added fact that she usually disappeared on him for a few days did nothing to foster his feelings of anxiety. She rolled her eyes at him securing the her boots snugly. He gave up trying to get her to stop but the least she could do was not parade it in front of him. He rose from the bed and made his way to her as she patted herself down making sure she had everything._  
 _“Hey.” He said softly trying to get her attention. She turned her head looking up at him for the moment. Her eyes had been increasingly glossy since her knew found self medication and her could see the far off look in them slowly creeping its way out as her latest dosage began to spread through her._  
 _“I love you.” He said, she turned away uninterested. “Hey” he pleaded softly cupping her face in his large hand and turning it to face him. She didn’t fight back and it wasn’t a forceful action. His heart broke watching her drift away like this. She once laughed, happily. A sound that use to be the music to his existence. She use to be so full of life, restoring his own to him by knowing her. She was not so much any more. He worried often. It hurt him sharply so see how little she cared about anything anymore. “I love you” he said again with more intensity placing his forehead to hers. A moment of clarity seemed to spring to her eyes, they softened and she ran her hand gently down his face._  
 _“I love you too.” She said with a soft kiss and headed on her way._

  
Cullen’s eyes snapped open scanning his surroundings for familiarity. He sighed as his barrings returned to him and he heard the distant sound of people walking above him on the ships deck. Light entering through the small window over his bed illuminating the small room.  
“Morning Curly.”Verric said entering his private room with two apples, some preserves and some bread in arm.  
“Don’t you knock?” Cullen grumbled.  
”No.” The dwarf teased. They didn’t quite get along as close friends but each of them found a familiarity in the other that comforted the missing hole in their souls. Verric’s playful teases reminded Cullen of the happier times with Hawke. Her playful attitude and high spirit.  
Cullen’s good nature reminded Verric of the goodness that was in Hawke. Her indomitable morals of right and wrong. The two men often bickered about many things, but they _never_ talked of Hawke. It was an unspoken understanding between the two. They had each come close to nicking the heartstrings in each other in some of their more heated debates, but never did they pull at the other intentionally, and both knew when they got to close. They’d simply sat in a thick silence a moment till the other change the subject quickly and the moment would pass.  
“We should make port in a few hours.” Verric said taking a seat at the table and slicing some of the bread and slathering on the red jam. Cullen stretched a bit and joined him at the table taking one of the apples. He took a bite and looked over the fruit deep in thought.  
“Do you think she would be proud of me?” He breathed, and Verric stopped his chewing looking over at the ex-Templar, semi stunned that he asked so openly about this subject. The dwarf swallowed hard and looked around the room for the answer. “Had she been able to stop….do you think….maybe….never mind.” He said setting the apple aside.  
“Don’t do this to yourself.” Verric said in a rough low voice. “Wondering what might have been will do you no good. Unless successfully driving yourself insane is the goal in which case it will accomplish that.” Cullen let out a cleansing sigh.  
“You’re right.” He agreed picking the apple back up but not eating it. His thoughts still on that question of _what if._  


**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Ok im way too lazily to rename the drug she was using . I know it is not lore accurate because laudanum wasn’t really a thing until the 16th century. SO please don’t harass me about it.


End file.
